2013 - Just another year?

So hear I am in the year 2013. We've had a bit of snow but it's all but gone. Just the lingering traces in the big box store parking lots. It has been nearing 45 degrees this past week locally and hit the 50's in Boston this past weekend.

I hate the winter. I hate everything about it. I hate the cold, I hate the snow, the shoveling, the plows, the ice storms and downed branches. I hate the fact that my Jeep doesn't have heat or defrosters making it near impossible to go anywhere when it is at, near, or below freezing. The dealership said that it has something to do with a flapper valve that got stuck in the wrong position and that it'll cost too much to fix. It involves removing the entire dashboard and takes many hours. I also have a right front axle that needs replacing and I don't have the money for that either.

In fact I don't have the money for anything these days. I haven't booked an hour of employment thus far this year and the days are starting to blur and blend. The hours drag on and I sleep most days until noon or later.

I hate being broke and not working. I hate the word "hate" as it is what my life has become these days. Hurtful and hateful and full of pain.

My daily diet includes a coffee when I eventually drag myself out of bed and make it or reheat the brew from the day before, and either a grilled cheese sandwich and a few hard boiled eggs (If I have eggs) or something canned from my pantry, usually raviolis or something to that effect. It's not that I don't have food in this house I just don't have the ambition to make it and then eat it. Depression is a real illness and I think I have it pretty bad. And although I see someone on a regular basis I don't know if it is doing anything to help me.

The bills are beginning to pile up and I'm not sure what's going to happen next. At 45 years of age I can't say I feel my age any more. I don't know what I feel. I thought I'd be in a much better place in my life by now. Instead, I'm a middle aged single guy, never been married, in debt with my house, and unemployed so to speak.

Just a few years ago I was on to making 70K+ a year in contracts and side jobs. I was pretty successful at what I did. I had my bills paid and had plenty of extra money. I was involved in my daughter's high school's PTO and had what I thought a pretty comfortable life. Sure it wasn't perfect but nothing is.

Now look where I am... Broke, tired, not feeling well and blogging about it. I don't want to be my own friend these days.

I'm also feeling that I am dehydrated these days. I guess coffee and beer doesen't count as liquids. I have been trying to drink more water as I feel I have not gotten enough in the past few weeks.
I thought I had a handle on this situation but I am beginning to thing that I don't.

To be continued...

Electing a leader - At what cost?

It’s estimated that over 6 Billion+ dollars has be spent in this 2012 presidential election. That is a "B" Billion! This is not counting any other local, state, or senate elections either. Over 68 Million was spent in the Brown/Warren campaign battle in MA alone. I can think of a much better use for those funds in that state.

IMO, and I'm sure a lot share this opinion... It's really come down to voting for the lesser of the two evils these days. If the race is as close as the media has hyped it up to be, regardless of winner, more than half this nation will be disappointed in the outcome while the other celebrates the bittersweet victory knowing their candidate is not the absolute answer to what ails this country.

This country is anything but UNITED these days. This country is broken, regardless of party or political slant. The people with money will always be able to afford whatever they WANT while the rest will struggle for what they NEED. This country and most of the world is based on money and not trust, faith, or kindness.

Read this next line slowly, and let it sink in. I saw this on a bumper sticker many years ago and it has stuck with me. For some, you won't get it... (Your loss) But for most you'll agree.

[If everyone GAVE no one would NEED.]

It really is that simple. I'm not talking about being greedy. I'm talking about best practice common sense. I'm talking about treating others the way you would want to be treated. Most of this country is out to screw one another before being screwed themselves.

There is no simple solution and spending the amounts of money these candidates are spending is crazy. Why not put a portion of that towards the US debt? Or spend some of it on a program everyone can afford and enjoy. The American Dream for most, is over... has been for some time now.

I'll be glad when it is all over. I have not had a TV in over six years and do not miss it one bit. Who needs bits of scripted reality TV shows in between 15 minute commercial breaks when I can go outside and enjoy my own life? Or watch pro sports, where win or lose everyone is a millionaire or close to it. The average American family spends approximately $75-$100 on cable TV alone each month. With the money I have saved over the years, I have bought things to enrich my own life. Why would I want to pay to watch someone else live his or hers?

I can only imagine how bad the mud-slinging ads have gotten on TV.

It's bad enough I have to see it all over the web in spam mail, ads, and pop-ups and continuously see full page ads of it in the local papers day after day. This election has even infiltrated my smart phone with opinion polls from my carrier.

I'll be glad when it is over.

Regardless, our future president will never know what it is like to have to decide between paying the heating bill or buying food for their family. Our president will never know what it is like to go 15K miles on an oil change because there just isn't enough in the budget to get it changed. Or worry about affording health care insurance or our kids futures! Our president will never know what it is like to be human and have to struggle to have their basic needs met. NEVER.

They won't know because they have never been there and chances are neither has any senator or member of congress. Yet they pass the laws and write the rules.

Yea, The lesser of “THE” two evils.

Also a link to a very real and disturbing trend.

http://dissidentvoice.org/2012/11/rash-of-suicides-among-undecided-voters-mars-elections/

Update - "If I woke up dead would it really matter?"

I seem to be asking this question a lot these days and even reciting it as a mantra at times to the people around me. No one seems to know or really understand the pain I am going through no matter how much I tell people of my struggles.

This makes me want to add: "and would I feel any pain?" to the end of this post's title.

I have been seeing Angela each week for quite some time. The hour seems to be more of a getting current session where I wish it would be about figuring "Me" out.

Since my daughter's departure in my life last December I have been empty inside. For the last 17 1/2 years I strove to be a better person for her. To take care of her the best I knew. I know that there isn't an instruction manual to raising kids but I really was at a disadvantage. I didn't have the support of another parent, (her mom). I didn't have the support of a significant other either. I didn't have the support of my own parents nor any childhood memories of my own to pull up some examples of what good parenting was supposed to be. I just sort of did the best I could.

It is perhaps time I got this here in writing... I think I stopped growing emotionally when I was about 15 - when I became independent and was truly on my own in this world. I didn't have any role models. I had a good sense of right from wrong and built up some key survival skills for life on the streets. Eventually, I managed to hold a job and pay bills. I trusted no one. Did I have a lot of bad people in my life? Sure, but for the most part they served a purpose in my survival at the time.

Eventually, my daughter came along when I was in my late 20's and I went from an independent survivalist to a protector of sorts. Now, 18 years later, I am at a lost for direction. I'm not really surviving as so much to hanging onto the last shreds of sanity these days.

This summer has been one of the best in my life and also one of the worst.

The good: I got my Harley fixed and have put over 1000 miles on it this summer. That is more miles than the last 5 years combined. I have also shot a lot of great concerts and met some great bands up close and in person. I have been able to slowly work on my house and get some unfinished projects back into the "Getting Completed" phase.

The bad: I'm tired of coming home to an empty house. A house I can't manage the mortgage payments on because of the lack of employment. I have lost many of my regular customers due to the slowed economy while losing my one major client due to collateral damage from my daughter's selfishness to get her way. What little money I had in the bank for emergencies, my daughter's college fund, and someday a retirement is dwindling down to nothing at a rapid pace. I figure another month or two and I'll be penniless. Just in time for winter.

Now there are some other things that I don't know if they fall under the good or bad category. I have brought this up a few times to Angela but she has not said much. The freedom I now have is more than I know what to do with. I am accountable to no one but myself these days. I really have no responsibilities other than trying to pay the bills. I can do whatever I want for the most part.

Some days I stay in bed for almost the entire day knowing that it is beautiful out and there are a dozen things I could be doing outside. Knowing that the summer is slipping by and with each passing hour it is harder to get up and be motivated to do even the most basic things. There are days on end where I don't eat, don't care to eat, and cry myself to sleep knowing that I am dying from the inside out. A slow death from a broken heart and what has become my broken life.

I really don't have any close friends, or even a best friend. There is no one to call in the middle of the night when the darkness and solitude consumes me. There is no one to hold me and tell me it will get better. Night after night of reliving tragic moments from my past in my dreams forces me to self-medicate so as I may not remember them as vivid as when I don't. This is where I feel that if I just woke up dead it wouldn't really matter and would I feel any pain?

Recently I upgraded my old analog cell phone. I think I have had the same one for 8 or 9 years. It didn't have Internet access or text or do anything fancy. It made and received calls. I understand the advantages of a smart phone being the tech savvy guy and all but a few events in my life brought me to the realization that this was the next logical step.

First, My Android-driven Viewsonic tablet died a couple of weeks ago. It won't accept the charger as a power source so it won't charge. I used it to play some online games, do some light surfing, and check my email, but I mostly used it for showing people my pictures online. (This required an Internet connection when Wi-Fi was available.) I always wished there was a way to have this connection via a cellular link.

Second, My Jeep was broken into this past Monday. They smashed windows and took my GPS. The officer that responded to my call stated that the thieves are not even opening doors knowing that the alarm will go off so they are simply smashing and grabbing. Another GPS would cost me just over $120 so I began to look at smart phones.

I did a lot of reading and researched the various phones and plans. For someone that had as old of a phone as I did, I'd say I did great. I have a GPS, a way to showcase my online photos anywhere I go, and a device that does a thousand other things my last phone couldn't do.

What I was afraid of has started to happen though. I'm constantly checking my phone. In a way I feel a slave to it, something I didn't want to happen. But in another way it is keeping me plugged in (at least wirelessly) to the rest of the world. I'm still not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing yet.

Isolation is my worst enemy. It always has been. I like the freedom to make my own choices when it comes to work and the hours I keep but I long for the fellowship that coworkers can offer. I have no family so to speak of and the people I do speak with are not regulars in my life.

I need human interaction to survive!

With that said, I'm off to a church picnic over this Labor Day weekend which marks the official close to the summer. God willing I make it through the winter.

Update - Trauma and what it means to me.

Taken from an "In The Rooms" post:

July 3 - Trauma

When we are traumatized, we have one or more of the following responses:

(1) fight (aggression)

(2) flight (physically or psychologically leaving)

(3) freeze (becoming numb)

Any of these responses preclude the normal working through of a situation by experiencing and confronting it, assessing options and making choices. When life experiences are not "lived through," they are stored in an unfinished state, absent of adequate closure.

It is as if they are stored in suspension without the context that accompanies normal experience. When events are stored by the brain in this manner, they become part of our storehouse of "unfinished business." They form what comes to be the root of a hunger that cries out for action or completion.

It goes on to say the following:

Today if I see myself acting out impulsively, I will ask myself what wound is trying to be heard and seen. Rather than continue to act out, I will quiet down and listen.

I am willing to know.

God gives, but man must open his hand.

German proverb

** My thoughts on this in a bit. **

A day in May - But not a May Day.

As the summer is finally unfolding during the latter parts of this week, all I can say is, "It is about time!" The sounds of lawnmowers, the smells of the neighbor's BBQ, and the sights of the sun after nearly three weeks of solid precipitation and clouds, fog, mist, whatever you want to call it, is a welcome sight!

So why don't I feel better about it? Usually the Spring/Summer gets me going and I'm working on a thousand projects at once. Instead I sit here on my back porch, sipping a freshly brewed K-cup blogging the Friday afternoon away. Could it be that I'm enjoying the moment for once and taking a break? Or am I just overwhelmed with the to-do lists I have created for myself and am just avoiding everything. Perhaps it is a little of both.

A fellow blogger called it getting your MOJO back. In my case, I've misplaced it. I'm a people person. When no one is around I need to keep busy on things or else I start to think too much. It is the way my brain is wired I suppose.

I could be at a coffee house tonight with the majority of my church. I could be busy taking pictures and eating and hanging out with all of them. Instead, I just wanted to just "BE".

I'm finding I've done a lot of that recently.

My therapist who assigns me weekly homework assignments (I need the structure) has asked me to do something I'm finding quite difficult. Part of this week's assignment is to make a list of 5 core characteristics that describe myself, with 2 examples to illustrate each one.

Now I've filled out surveys and tons of dating profile stuff in the past but this to me is very different. This isn't what other people think of me, this isn't even what I "want" other people to think of me. This is what "I" think of me. She doesn't say if they should be positive or negative either.

OK... Well...

1. I'm DETERMINED. I am about as determined as anyone I know. With this core characteristic comes good and bad. When I put my mind to something I can get the job done. However I can be stubborn about certain things and even get my priorities mixed up at times. I don't like to be wrong and only when there is irrefutable proof will I concede to defeat.

I have accomplished many things to many. I'm restoring a beautiful home in a seaside community. I run my own business and have for almost 20 years. I'm raising my daughter on my own. Yet, I feel I'm missing something in my life.

2. I'm a SURVIVOR. This goes without saying. I'm always recreating myself to suit the situation at hand. If there is a bill, I find a way to get it paid. I struck out in the world at an early age with very little determined to survive the elements and make something of myself. I'm a chameleon of sorts, adapting to my surroundings. However, there is always the control I feel I need in these given situations. Perhaps it has a lot to do with my feelings of abandonment when I was a child. I can remember being 3 or 4 and being outside on my own and not having anyone to play with. I have always had a great imagination. I guess that leads me into...

3. I'm a VISIONARY. When hyper-focused I can clearly see the forest through the trees as well as the entire forest simultaneously. I can set the tone of a focus group as well as drive a point to the masses via any podium I step onto. I'm a people person and have no fear of public speaking. (Again it is that feeling of being in control that drives me.) I guess I'm a leader of sorts or at least that is the way I perceive myself to be. I have belonged to many organizations and it doesn't take long for me to be in some form of leadership role in the group. (Again, being in control gives me the power and the high that I feel I need to function in my capacity as a leader.)

4. I'm INDEPENDENT. I have been independent all of my life, but interdependent on others most of my life. I'm independent and try to do everything myself at first. I like figuring things out on my own and like solving problems. I'll think outside the box. Sometimes I'll do something and have people tell me, "You couldn't have done that." To which I reply: "Oh um hmm. See?" and show them that I already have. I am interdependent on others for my emotional needs and support. Something I never got growing up. I seek validity in what I say and do a lot because I feel if I don't speak up or say: "See what I did?!" I might go un-noticed.

5. I'm EMOTIONAL. I'm actually passionate to a fault at times. This ties into being a very determined individual. However, I used to get angry a lot and it took a long time to figure out why. Getting in touch with more than just the basic emotions is critical to the learning process called life. Now I know I can be disappointed in something or someone and not be angry about it. If I watch a movie or TV and there is a scene that I relate to even at a subconscious level I will get emotional. (I have to imagine that is natural and being human.) I have learned that I need to work on my empathy skills and have made some progress with those. Life is more about just me. I just need to keep reminding myself this now and then.

Well that's five.

The sun has set and the coffee is gone. I have survived another evening alone with my feelings. I'll be interested in hearing what my therapist has to say about my selections of core values.

It's time for some food.

Just another Saturday... Or is it the last?

With all the hype about the "End of Times" and the world coming to an end at 6PM this evening I had to BLOG about it. Nearly everyone else has!

Harold Camping the founder of Family Radio, a nonprofit Christian radio network based in Oakland, Calif. and his devoted followers claim a massive earthquake will mark the second coming of Jesus, or so-called Judgment Day on Saturday, May 21, ushering in a five month period of catastrophes before the world comes to a complete end in October.

Yikes! Does that mean I won't be paying $4.00 a gallon for gas in the coming months or worry about the last bits of milk going bad in the fridge this weekend? Will I leave this world as single as I came into it? My camera batteries are fully charged can I at least bring the one with the wide-angled lens with me. I think I'd be able to get a great shot of the earth from above as we all ascend to heaven.

All I know is that if I am aware of the time at 6 this evening, I'll hold my breath for just a moment before hopefully exhaling into a quiet evening. I'll be taking some pictures at a local coffee house and more than likely having a glass of wine before bedtime. Maybe I'll do some reading as I drift off to sleep tonight.

I wonder if the pastor at church will even mention it during his sermon tomorrow?
Wouldn't it be funny if they played REM's rendition of "It's the End of the World" inbetween services. I keep humming the chorus: "It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine...

It's about a quarter to 3 in the afternoon and I'm still in my sweats. I haven't done much of anything today. The weather is sunny (the weatherman had predicted rain) and I have the windows open. It is starting to feel like summer at last. The grass I planted out back is finally growing and I still have tons of yard work to do. I still have a lot of interior work that needs to be done on the house. The bar/gameroom and laundry area, my workshop, the upstairs hallway,and my daughter's bathroom.

I'll get to it all eventually. I always do. Meanwhile it's a lazy mans Saturday. It might not be the end of the world and I might not be getting much done today and I know it, and I feel fine...

Really? A dishwasher?

Recently my therapist,(Don't we all need one these days?) assigned me a tough homework assignment. To join a "PAY" dating website. (More on that in a bit)

I have been around the interwebs long before Al Gore took credit for inventing it. I not only remember floppy disks but the 8" variety to boot! It was sometime in the late 90's that I discovered on-line dating. Back in the day, finding dates on the Internet along with just about everything else was free. At first there was only AOL dating, then Yahoo Singles seemed to hold the #1 spot when multiple sites started popping up all over the Web.

I gave Yahoo a try and although the results varied I did meet a few good people along the way and equally went on my share of dates I'd rather not have gone on. Live and learn right?

Between 2002 and 2006 the on-line dating scene changed again. Pay sites came into existence claiming to have better compatible matching techniques. Yahoo also went pay while social networking sites began to take hold, especially in the 15-21 age crowd. Friendster, and then MySpace were the choice way of reconnecting with old friends and yes even dating people. New free sites replaced those that had gone pay while others like (POF) - Plenty Of Fish offered the best of both worlds. Sites like POF allowed you to meet people on the free side of the site but allowed you to do much more customizable searches once you joined the paying ranks.

Meanwhile Craigslist, a free listing service for everything from jobs, rentals, household items, and yes singles took shape and began competing for a different way to connect people with one another by allowing you to post via an online newspaper style ad.

I did the MySpace thing while it was popular and posted ads on Craigslist while it was still possible to find quality people there. I even dated one girl on and off for almost three years that I met on Craigslist.

Meanwhile sites like Match.com eHarmony, Christiansingles.com, Chemistry.com, and Perfectmatch.com although pay sites, pushed the fact that you paid for what you got.

This always bothered me. Did I actually have to pay to find the woman of my dreams? Was it worth shelling out my hard earned cash to find "The One" for me?

The popularity of Internet-ready mobile devices took on-line dating to the next level. The free dating sites exploded with new members. You were no longer tethered to the computer at home or risked getting caught at the office looking for love on-line. The fact was, everyone was doing it including married people and people looking for a one-night stand. Even some of the cheaper pay dating sites have become "meat markets" for the random hook-up.

It was during this time that Facebook took the crown of the social media networking sites. Call me old fashioned but I decided not to do the Facebook thing and have abstained from the pressures of friends, work colleagues, and even my own daughter to "just do it". I feel that the online world of social media has taken some of the personalization out of meeting people. The sharing of too much information (TMI) comes to mind when someone brings up Facebook.

Sure, Facebook does have a way of connecting you with long lost friends but quite honestly they may have been lost for a damn good reason.

So meeting new people, although not difficult for me, has become a recent chore for me. The fact that I have been single for a period of time now with no prospects on the horizon hadn't really hit home until a recent college fair held at my daughter's high school. The dean of admissions of a local community college asked me what was next for me. At first I wasn't sure what he meant. Then it began to sink in. What was NEXT?!

Not only is my future in the "here and now" stages but so is an opportunity to date again. I'm pretty successful in all other aspects of my life so why is it that I am having difficulty in establishing a lasting romantic relationship?

I discussed this at length with some of my closest friends and one gal-pal pointed me to an article titled: "10 Things Men are Looking for in a Woman Vs. What Women Really Want". I could relate with most if not all of the obvious reasons like "#6 A woman must have her own life and have her own purpose in it." or #4 "A woman must be as free from drama as possible. AKA - No drama queens!". Topping the list of things men are looking for in a woman was "Honesty".

That one made me think... As opposed to??? Why would I date a dishonest woman?

Now I got to the list of what women really wanted and prepared for a long list of must-haves and needs. Listed was just one:

"Women really want a good dishwasher."

It seems given the choice of dealing with men and "their long lists" these days, most women like the Independence and freedom of being single, so they want a high end programmable appliance. Something that is stable, gets the job done, and is "drama-free". A device that comes with a warranty (extended at an additional cost and even a payment plan in some cases.

My friend joked that she should start a love column and call it: "Dirty Dishes - How to program your man like an appliance for the ultimate date."

All joking aside, woman have pushed enough of my buttons to know that I cannot be programmed nor do I choose to be.

So back to my homework assignment...

I took a business approach to this and looked at the financials and ROI of the five leading pay sites. I narrowed it quickly to two and then decided on the pricier one thinking that my chances of finding someone serious out there was willing to pay the same. Now all I had to do was sign up.

I really thought about this. Was I ready for this? Well, after all it was homework. I called and took the plunge and got three months for the price of one convincing the phone rep that a friend had done the same not long ago.

So *gulp* let the matches fill and overflow my inbox.

Besides... I already own a dishwasher and might just be willing to let "The One" push some buttons and program it!