Sunday, September 2, 2012

Update - "If I woke up dead would it really matter?"

I seem to be asking this question a lot these days and even reciting it as a mantra at times to the people around me. No one seems to know or really understand the pain I am going through no matter how much I tell people of my struggles.

This makes me want to add: "and would I feel any pain?" to the end of this post's title.

I have been seeing Angela each week for quite some time. The hour seems to be more of a getting current session where I wish it would be about figuring "Me" out.

Since my daughter's departure in my life last December I have been empty inside. For the last 17 1/2 years I strove to be a better person for her. To take care of her the best I knew. I know that there isn't an instruction manual to raising kids but I really was at a disadvantage. I didn't have the support of another parent, (her mom). I didn't have the support of a significant other either. I didn't have the support of my own parents nor any childhood memories of my own to pull up some examples of what good parenting was supposed to be. I just sort of did the best I could.

It is perhaps time I got this here in writing... I think I stopped growing emotionally when I was about 15 - when I became independent and was truly on my own in this world. I didn't have any role models. I had a good sense of right from wrong and built up some key survival skills for life on the streets. Eventually, I managed to hold a job and pay bills. I trusted no one. Did I have a lot of bad people in my life? Sure, but for the most part they served a purpose in my survival at the time.

Eventually, my daughter came along when I was in my late 20's and I went from an independent survivalist to a protector of sorts. Now, 18 years later, I am at a lost for direction. I'm not really surviving as so much to hanging onto the last shreds of sanity these days.

This summer has been one of the best in my life and also one of the worst.

The good: I got my Harley fixed and have put over 1000 miles on it this summer. That is more miles than the last 5 years combined. I have also shot a lot of great concerts and met some great bands up close and in person. I have been able to slowly work on my house and get some unfinished projects back into the "Getting Completed" phase.

The bad: I'm tired of coming home to an empty house. A house I can't manage the mortgage payments on because of the lack of employment. I have lost many of my regular customers due to the slowed economy while losing my one major client due to collateral damage from my daughter's selfishness to get her way. What little money I had in the bank for emergencies, my daughter's college fund, and someday a retirement is dwindling down to nothing at a rapid pace. I figure another month or two and I'll be penniless. Just in time for winter.

Now there are some other things that I don't know if they fall under the good or bad category. I have brought this up a few times to Angela but she has not said much. The freedom I now have is more than I know what to do with. I am accountable to no one but myself these days. I really have no responsibilities other than trying to pay the bills. I can do whatever I want for the most part.

Some days I stay in bed for almost the entire day knowing that it is beautiful out and there are a dozen things I could be doing outside. Knowing that the summer is slipping by and with each passing hour it is harder to get up and be motivated to do even the most basic things. There are days on end where I don't eat, don't care to eat, and cry myself to sleep knowing that I am dying from the inside out. A slow death from a broken heart and what has become my broken life.

I really don't have any close friends, or even a best friend. There is no one to call in the middle of the night when the darkness and solitude consumes me. There is no one to hold me and tell me it will get better. Night after night of reliving tragic moments from my past in my dreams forces me to self-medicate so as I may not remember them as vivid as when I don't. This is where I feel that if I just woke up dead it wouldn't really matter and would I feel any pain?

Recently I upgraded my old analog cell phone. I think I have had the same one for 8 or 9 years. It didn't have Internet access or text or do anything fancy. It made and received calls. I understand the advantages of a smart phone being the tech savvy guy and all but a few events in my life brought me to the realization that this was the next logical step.

First, My Android-driven Viewsonic tablet died a couple of weeks ago. It won't accept the charger as a power source so it won't charge. I used it to play some online games, do some light surfing, and check my email, but I mostly used it for showing people my pictures online. (This required an Internet connection when Wi-Fi was available.) I always wished there was a way to have this connection via a cellular link.

Second, My Jeep was broken into this past Monday. They smashed windows and took my GPS. The officer that responded to my call stated that the thieves are not even opening doors knowing that the alarm will go off so they are simply smashing and grabbing. Another GPS would cost me just over $120 so I began to look at smart phones.

I did a lot of reading and researched the various phones and plans. For someone that had as old of a phone as I did, I'd say I did great. I have a GPS, a way to showcase my online photos anywhere I go, and a device that does a thousand other things my last phone couldn't do.

What I was afraid of has started to happen though. I'm constantly checking my phone. In a way I feel a slave to it, something I didn't want to happen. But in another way it is keeping me plugged in (at least wirelessly) to the rest of the world. I'm still not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing yet.

Isolation is my worst enemy. It always has been. I like the freedom to make my own choices when it comes to work and the hours I keep but I long for the fellowship that coworkers can offer. I have no family so to speak of and the people I do speak with are not regulars in my life.

I need human interaction to survive!

With that said, I'm off to a church picnic over this Labor Day weekend which marks the official close to the summer. God willing I make it through the winter.

1 comment:

  1. Hey Glenn, thanks for visiting my blog today. What happened with your daughter? I am so very sorry you are going through this pain. Its a nightmare that it seems like we will never wake from. I'm tired. I try to be as honest as possible but sometimes those dark thoughts you just can't say them outloud because no matter how freaking honest I think I am being there is still a part of you that knows this isn't ok. I know its normal, frankly I'm scared of the people who don't get angry and find complete peace trusting in God. Are you kidding me? This was my child that you supposedly entrusted to me to take care of and then rudely snatch her away. How many people tell you that He only gives what you can handle. Forget that.
    Isolation is not a good thing, I dont have mnay people I talk to much anymore about my grief and I never went the counselor route because I think they are all full of bs. I just can't get over it and I don't want someone telling me I'm grieving wrong or should be doing this or gosh forbid tell me i need medication or whatever. I'm a functioning member of my family, I don't spend my life dwelling in the what ifs but dang it if i need to write about it then I will. What ifs will always happen, the anger leaves and comes back, grief isn't some simple thing. Nothing is simple about grief, I know I will know if i were to hit the moment of no return but Im not there anymore. I've had many many nights where i would cry myself to sleep, I would bury my face into the mattress just like I found her and breathe in and out and just pray for death to find me. Howcan that possibly be abnormal? Im hurting. 2.5 years later and I'm still hurting. I'm coming up to 3 years. People make me so mad, they don't understand unless they have been there. Anyways thanks for vidsiting and ugh.... that sucks about your vehickle getting broken in to. I do feel like a slave to phone as well oftentimes i have to force myself to take a step away and put it down, life is happening.