Thursday, November 8, 2012

Electing a leader - At what cost?

It’s estimated that over 6 Billion+ dollars has be spent in this 2012 presidential election. That is a "B" Billion! This is not counting any other local, state, or senate elections either. Over 68 Million was spent in the Brown/Warren campaign battle in MA alone. I can think of a much better use for those funds in that state.

IMO, and I'm sure a lot share this opinion... It's really come down to voting for the lesser of the two evils these days. If the race is as close as the media has hyped it up to be, regardless of winner, more than half this nation will be disappointed in the outcome while the other celebrates the bittersweet victory knowing their candidate is not the absolute answer to what ails this country.

This country is anything but UNITED these days. This country is broken, regardless of party or political slant. The people with money will always be able to afford whatever they WANT while the rest will struggle for what they NEED. This country and most of the world is based on money and not trust, faith, or kindness.

Read this next line slowly, and let it sink in. I saw this on a bumper sticker many years ago and it has stuck with me. For some, you won't get it... (Your loss) But for most you'll agree.

[If everyone GAVE no one would NEED.]

It really is that simple. I'm not talking about being greedy. I'm talking about best practice common sense. I'm talking about treating others the way you would want to be treated. Most of this country is out to screw one another before being screwed themselves.

There is no simple solution and spending the amounts of money these candidates are spending is crazy. Why not put a portion of that towards the US debt? Or spend some of it on a program everyone can afford and enjoy. The American Dream for most, is over... has been for some time now.

I'll be glad when it is all over. I have not had a TV in over six years and do not miss it one bit. Who needs bits of scripted reality TV shows in between 15 minute commercial breaks when I can go outside and enjoy my own life? Or watch pro sports, where win or lose everyone is a millionaire or close to it. The average American family spends approximately $75-$100 on cable TV alone each month. With the money I have saved over the years, I have bought things to enrich my own life. Why would I want to pay to watch someone else live his or hers?

I can only imagine how bad the mud-slinging ads have gotten on TV.

It's bad enough I have to see it all over the web in spam mail, ads, and pop-ups and continuously see full page ads of it in the local papers day after day. This election has even infiltrated my smart phone with opinion polls from my carrier.

I'll be glad when it is over.

Regardless, our future president will never know what it is like to have to decide between paying the heating bill or buying food for their family. Our president will never know what it is like to go 15K miles on an oil change because there just isn't enough in the budget to get it changed. Or worry about affording health care insurance or our kids futures! Our president will never know what it is like to be human and have to struggle to have their basic needs met. NEVER.

They won't know because they have never been there and chances are neither has any senator or member of congress. Yet they pass the laws and write the rules.

Yea, The lesser of “THE” two evils.

Also a link to a very real and disturbing trend.

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Update - "If I woke up dead would it really matter?"

I seem to be asking this question a lot these days and even reciting it as a mantra at times to the people around me. No one seems to know or really understand the pain I am going through no matter how much I tell people of my struggles.

This makes me want to add: "and would I feel any pain?" to the end of this post's title.

I have been seeing Angela each week for quite some time. The hour seems to be more of a getting current session where I wish it would be about figuring "Me" out.

Since my daughter's departure in my life last December I have been empty inside. For the last 17 1/2 years I strove to be a better person for her. To take care of her the best I knew. I know that there isn't an instruction manual to raising kids but I really was at a disadvantage. I didn't have the support of another parent, (her mom). I didn't have the support of a significant other either. I didn't have the support of my own parents nor any childhood memories of my own to pull up some examples of what good parenting was supposed to be. I just sort of did the best I could.

It is perhaps time I got this here in writing... I think I stopped growing emotionally when I was about 15 - when I became independent and was truly on my own in this world. I didn't have any role models. I had a good sense of right from wrong and built up some key survival skills for life on the streets. Eventually, I managed to hold a job and pay bills. I trusted no one. Did I have a lot of bad people in my life? Sure, but for the most part they served a purpose in my survival at the time.

Eventually, my daughter came along when I was in my late 20's and I went from an independent survivalist to a protector of sorts. Now, 18 years later, I am at a lost for direction. I'm not really surviving as so much to hanging onto the last shreds of sanity these days.

This summer has been one of the best in my life and also one of the worst.

The good: I got my Harley fixed and have put over 1000 miles on it this summer. That is more miles than the last 5 years combined. I have also shot a lot of great concerts and met some great bands up close and in person. I have been able to slowly work on my house and get some unfinished projects back into the "Getting Completed" phase.

The bad: I'm tired of coming home to an empty house. A house I can't manage the mortgage payments on because of the lack of employment. I have lost many of my regular customers due to the slowed economy while losing my one major client due to collateral damage from my daughter's selfishness to get her way. What little money I had in the bank for emergencies, my daughter's college fund, and someday a retirement is dwindling down to nothing at a rapid pace. I figure another month or two and I'll be penniless. Just in time for winter.

Now there are some other things that I don't know if they fall under the good or bad category. I have brought this up a few times to Angela but she has not said much. The freedom I now have is more than I know what to do with. I am accountable to no one but myself these days. I really have no responsibilities other than trying to pay the bills. I can do whatever I want for the most part.

Some days I stay in bed for almost the entire day knowing that it is beautiful out and there are a dozen things I could be doing outside. Knowing that the summer is slipping by and with each passing hour it is harder to get up and be motivated to do even the most basic things. There are days on end where I don't eat, don't care to eat, and cry myself to sleep knowing that I am dying from the inside out. A slow death from a broken heart and what has become my broken life.

I really don't have any close friends, or even a best friend. There is no one to call in the middle of the night when the darkness and solitude consumes me. There is no one to hold me and tell me it will get better. Night after night of reliving tragic moments from my past in my dreams forces me to self-medicate so as I may not remember them as vivid as when I don't. This is where I feel that if I just woke up dead it wouldn't really matter and would I feel any pain?

Recently I upgraded my old analog cell phone. I think I have had the same one for 8 or 9 years. It didn't have Internet access or text or do anything fancy. It made and received calls. I understand the advantages of a smart phone being the tech savvy guy and all but a few events in my life brought me to the realization that this was the next logical step.

First, My Android-driven Viewsonic tablet died a couple of weeks ago. It won't accept the charger as a power source so it won't charge. I used it to play some online games, do some light surfing, and check my email, but I mostly used it for showing people my pictures online. (This required an Internet connection when Wi-Fi was available.) I always wished there was a way to have this connection via a cellular link.

Second, My Jeep was broken into this past Monday. They smashed windows and took my GPS. The officer that responded to my call stated that the thieves are not even opening doors knowing that the alarm will go off so they are simply smashing and grabbing. Another GPS would cost me just over $120 so I began to look at smart phones.

I did a lot of reading and researched the various phones and plans. For someone that had as old of a phone as I did, I'd say I did great. I have a GPS, a way to showcase my online photos anywhere I go, and a device that does a thousand other things my last phone couldn't do.

What I was afraid of has started to happen though. I'm constantly checking my phone. In a way I feel a slave to it, something I didn't want to happen. But in another way it is keeping me plugged in (at least wirelessly) to the rest of the world. I'm still not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing yet.

Isolation is my worst enemy. It always has been. I like the freedom to make my own choices when it comes to work and the hours I keep but I long for the fellowship that coworkers can offer. I have no family so to speak of and the people I do speak with are not regulars in my life.

I need human interaction to survive!

With that said, I'm off to a church picnic over this Labor Day weekend which marks the official close to the summer. God willing I make it through the winter.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Update - Trauma and what it means to me.

Taken from an "In The Rooms" post:

July 3 - Trauma

When we are traumatized, we have one or more of the following responses:

(1) fight (aggression)

(2) flight (physically or psychologically leaving)

(3) freeze (becoming numb)

Any of these responses preclude the normal working through of a situation by experiencing and confronting it, assessing options and making choices. When life experiences are not "lived through," they are stored in an unfinished state, absent of adequate closure.

It is as if they are stored in suspension without the context that accompanies normal experience. When events are stored by the brain in this manner, they become part of our storehouse of "unfinished business." They form what comes to be the root of a hunger that cries out for action or completion.

It goes on to say the following:

Today if I see myself acting out impulsively, I will ask myself what wound is trying to be heard and seen. Rather than continue to act out, I will quiet down and listen.

I am willing to know.

God gives, but man must open his hand.

German proverb

** My thoughts on this in a bit. **