It is 2:30AM and I'm not even tired. Not even a little. It seems I have gotten out of cycle with the rest of the world.
Most nights I lie awake restless from the fact that I am not exerting enough energy throughout the course of the prior day to make me tired. What keeps me up mostly though are the thoughts in my head.
I keep replaying particular days and certain moments over and over in my head. Most of these moments involve my daughter and her sudden and tragic disappearance from my life. I'm no longer doing the "what if" scenarios in my head. I'm just replaying the events over and over and reliving the painful outcome.
I've done a lot of reading and a ton of writing in the last twenty years. I'm currently reading a book about forgiveness that was recommended to me by my current and latest therapist. It's divided into a few sections while those sections are subdivided by chapters. The first half of the book is a step by step self-help on helping us understand why we are the way we are. It explains what a genogram is with various examples and helps the viewer see that there are patterns in families and that these, healthy and unhealthy patterns, can go back many generations. It goes on about the different types of dysfunctional families and the many complex layers of relationships are in each.
Well after reading the first few chapters in this first section I was ready to put the book down for good. I have no way of creating a genogram of my own family and although I did see some patterns beginning to emerge I wasn't sure if it was enough. I already knew my family life sucked and there was no love or nurturing going on in that household between any two people for as far back as I can remember.
What I did get out of what I read thus far was a diagnosis or two of past girlfriends and even some strong opinions on the family dynamics of the woman I am currently seeing.
When I voiced all of this to my therapist she simply stated that the intent shouldn't be to formulate opinions or try to diagnose others perceived issues but that I should be reading the book for myself.
Last night... A few hours ago, I reached the halfway point. The book is finally getting into the steps of forgiveness. The reading isn't any easier but for different reasons. Much of what is in these chapters DOES apply to me and I can completely relate.
I've worked my 12-steps of recovery in the past, been to meetings, etc. I know all about how forgiveness is supposed to set you free and the fact that you can never forget your past. I get all of that. What I'm tired of is being a survivor. I want to grow and learn and break beyond my mind's grasp of what this current perception of reality is.
This is when the movie in my head starts to play the same loops over and over again, especially in the middle of the night.
Because it hurts living in my head.