A day in May - But not a May Day.

As the summer is finally unfolding during the latter parts of this week, all I can say is, "It is about time!" The sounds of lawnmowers, the smells of the neighbor's BBQ, and the sights of the sun after nearly three weeks of solid precipitation and clouds, fog, mist, whatever you want to call it, is a welcome sight!

So why don't I feel better about it? Usually the Spring/Summer gets me going and I'm working on a thousand projects at once. Instead I sit here on my back porch, sipping a freshly brewed K-cup blogging the Friday afternoon away. Could it be that I'm enjoying the moment for once and taking a break? Or am I just overwhelmed with the to-do lists I have created for myself and am just avoiding everything. Perhaps it is a little of both.

A fellow blogger called it getting your MOJO back. In my case, I've misplaced it. I'm a people person. When no one is around I need to keep busy on things or else I start to think too much. It is the way my brain is wired I suppose.

I could be at a coffee house tonight with the majority of my church. I could be busy taking pictures and eating and hanging out with all of them. Instead, I just wanted to just "BE".

I'm finding I've done a lot of that recently.

My therapist who assigns me weekly homework assignments (I need the structure) has asked me to do something I'm finding quite difficult. Part of this week's assignment is to make a list of 5 core characteristics that describe myself, with 2 examples to illustrate each one.

Now I've filled out surveys and tons of dating profile stuff in the past but this to me is very different. This isn't what other people think of me, this isn't even what I "want" other people to think of me. This is what "I" think of me. She doesn't say if they should be positive or negative either.

OK... Well...

1. I'm DETERMINED. I am about as determined as anyone I know. With this core characteristic comes good and bad. When I put my mind to something I can get the job done. However I can be stubborn about certain things and even get my priorities mixed up at times. I don't like to be wrong and only when there is irrefutable proof will I concede to defeat.

I have accomplished many things to many. I'm restoring a beautiful home in a seaside community. I run my own business and have for almost 20 years. I'm raising my daughter on my own. Yet, I feel I'm missing something in my life.

2. I'm a SURVIVOR. This goes without saying. I'm always recreating myself to suit the situation at hand. If there is a bill, I find a way to get it paid. I struck out in the world at an early age with very little determined to survive the elements and make something of myself. I'm a chameleon of sorts, adapting to my surroundings. However, there is always the control I feel I need in these given situations. Perhaps it has a lot to do with my feelings of abandonment when I was a child. I can remember being 3 or 4 and being outside on my own and not having anyone to play with. I have always had a great imagination. I guess that leads me into...

3. I'm a VISIONARY. When hyper-focused I can clearly see the forest through the trees as well as the entire forest simultaneously. I can set the tone of a focus group as well as drive a point to the masses via any podium I step onto. I'm a people person and have no fear of public speaking. (Again it is that feeling of being in control that drives me.) I guess I'm a leader of sorts or at least that is the way I perceive myself to be. I have belonged to many organizations and it doesn't take long for me to be in some form of leadership role in the group. (Again, being in control gives me the power and the high that I feel I need to function in my capacity as a leader.)

4. I'm INDEPENDENT. I have been independent all of my life, but interdependent on others most of my life. I'm independent and try to do everything myself at first. I like figuring things out on my own and like solving problems. I'll think outside the box. Sometimes I'll do something and have people tell me, "You couldn't have done that." To which I reply: "Oh um hmm. See?" and show them that I already have. I am interdependent on others for my emotional needs and support. Something I never got growing up. I seek validity in what I say and do a lot because I feel if I don't speak up or say: "See what I did?!" I might go un-noticed.

5. I'm EMOTIONAL. I'm actually passionate to a fault at times. This ties into being a very determined individual. However, I used to get angry a lot and it took a long time to figure out why. Getting in touch with more than just the basic emotions is critical to the learning process called life. Now I know I can be disappointed in something or someone and not be angry about it. If I watch a movie or TV and there is a scene that I relate to even at a subconscious level I will get emotional. (I have to imagine that is natural and being human.) I have learned that I need to work on my empathy skills and have made some progress with those. Life is more about just me. I just need to keep reminding myself this now and then.

Well that's five.

The sun has set and the coffee is gone. I have survived another evening alone with my feelings. I'll be interested in hearing what my therapist has to say about my selections of core values.

It's time for some food.

The Eve of EASTER

It is the eve of Easter. Actually it is 9:44AM but if people can call the entire day before Christmas "Christmas Eve" well then I'm claiming my stake in this term.

So it is Easter eve and the morning's first sips of coffee are hitting my lips. A good columbian dark roast this morning. In about 20 minutes I will be headed out with my daughter to get our hair trimmed. This for me has become an annual event over the past 3 years. For those that know me, know I don't get my hair cut all that often. Last year I got it trimmed in the Spring when I reconnected with (K). The year before would have been for my grandfather's funeral in the early Spring of 2009. I can't remember the time before that. It's odd that I'm doing it this year as I have no real reason. I (guess) I want to do it for me. My daughter is getting hers trimmed because her Junior prom is a few weeks away.

After having her hair trimmed she is going to her mom's for the weekend, something she has been doing for the last few months. Her mom is going through a divorce and relocating in the city and my daughter has been helping her out. I miss having her on the weekends but also enjoy the freedom it has given me to be able to do what I want.

I need more coffee...

5:03PM @ Ron's house. (My first mobile post)

So my hair is about 3" shorter than it was when I woke up. (Bye bye dead ends.) My daughter's hair looks beautiful even though it was just a simple long-layered wash, trim, and blowdry. I have to also mention that haircuts have gotten expensive. It cost me a quick $50.00 including the $7.00 dollar tip. The last time I remember spending around $15.00 for my trim. Anyways it is done and my daughter is happy.

Her mom picked her up this afternoon and I hung out for a bit wondering what I was going to do with the rest of the day. Then Ron called and invited me over for dinner. I brought my camera gear as I needed to prep it and charge the batteries for tomorrow. He gave me the 8GB micro SD card from his old phone and I put it in my tablet. This allows me to put music and pictures on it without worying about running out of room now.

11:32PM @ Home

So it is minutes before Easter and I guess I'm sad. (Something I have been avoiding admitting this entire BLOG posting today.) It was one year ago this past Easter when (K) and I went to service together at the Z. It was trully a special day with her dedicating to me a study bible for Wednesday bible study classes. I think what made it more special was what we did after church. We went for a ride to the large state beach, a beach I had always wanted to take her to in our past tiem together.

So there we were laughing and enjoying just being in the moment. Collecting shells while enjoying the warmth of the sun. If that day could have just gone on forever...

Here I am a year later witnessing an away message appear on an account that she has not been on in over a month that states: "Moving on."

It is the eve of Easter and I know I will be at the Z tomorrow for service at 10AM as I was last year. I'll just be going by myself. :-(

SEASONS - A day in the life...

Wednesday. Some refer to it as "Hump Day" as it sits smack in the middle of the week. Meaning, if you can get through today the rest of the week is downhill. For some people it means a lot. For others like me... Not so much.

I'm self-employed which means I'm technically on the clock 24/7. I set my own rates, do my own advertising, find the customers, service their needs, bill them, collect and cash the check, and the cycle begins again. Needless to say there is a lot of "Down Time".

This down time can last for hours or even days at a stretch. During this down time I find a lot of things to do. I own a big old house built in the 20's that is a constant work in progress. I have owned it for just over five years and have made quite the progress on it thus far. Aside from the painting and restoration projects in constant progress, it is quite the chore to keep tidy and clean. I think I do a decent job most of the time.

When I'm not working on the house I can usually be found in front of a computer surfing random sites. I have a habit of archiving things such as movies, music, TV shows, etc. I always think, oh I'll watch them later, but rarely do. Well, sometimes I do. I recently am in the process of aquiring the entire House MD collection through season 7 (the current). I have seasons 1-3 currently. This is a show I saw a handful of episodes a few years ago, did not think much about it, but have grown fond of. In fact I thought Dr. House was a bit of a jerk. Now that I have seen the pilot I understand a bit more about who the character Dr. House is and what he represents.

But, mostly I stream stuff over the web on-demand.

During the Summer and even during the Fall I spend time outside with friends BBQing and hanging out. I enjoy gardening and going to the beach and relaxing with a good book.

However, Winter is a difficult time for me. It was not until I met (K) that I had heard about Seasonal Affective Disorder and how it affects more than half the population of this world in one way or another. I believe it affects me in ways I was not too sure about until recently.

By default, I am a people person. I can strike up a conversation with anyone about anything and it is all good. However, in the winter my exposure to people in general is limited by the weather and especially the cold. I just don't like to go out in the cold. I don't like the snow and I despise shoveling. My ears hurt when exposed to the cold and that gets me aggravated to no end.

That leaves Spring. Early Spring always has me hoping for the best. The best weather, the best jobs, and a fresh start for a lot of things after a long and cold winter. Unfortunately, Spring seems to linger about a bit too long every year, or so it seems. The Spring rains although great for the vegetation, dampens my spirit more than I want to admit most of the time.

Maybe it's because I seem to find myself single again in the Spring that I feel rather blah during this rainy season. But I digress...

It is Spring vacation week for the kids and my daughter is spending it with her mom. This leaves the big old house and I to spend some quality time together. I can sleep in a little later than usual although my eyes seem to have snapped open at 7AM each morning.

My coffee intake seems to have sorted itself out over the last two years. Since purchasing the Keurig K-Cup machine I have reduced my intake greatly and feel that it has helped immensely.

I work out of town this Tuesday and Thursday and have had a couple of local service calls this week. Today I find myself burning CDs for a local school and sitting in on some online recovery meetings. I find it comforting to know that even though I may be alone physically in this house there is an entire community of others out there ready to chat up a storm.

I'm not as stressed as I was about finances a few short months ago. I have found some promising employment with long term prospects. More recently, I have survived a two day audit without any repercussions. I have been attending all of the school related functions to do with my daughter going to college and learning about the financial responsibilities that go along with it. And then there is her Junior prom. She's just not that little girl that I could push on the swing.

*sigh*

The seasons change, and so do we all.